December Thoughts

My first quarter at my new school is over. How do I feel? I don't really know honestly. I've tried new things, made new friends, and had more fun than I have had in a long time. Still I cannot shake the feeling of impending doom. I get this feeling in moments of frustration and indecision. I am living, but is it to the fullest? Am I really living up to my potential? Can anyone in this world?

I have been more productive than ever yet I feel like I'm not doing anything. I'm keeping myself busy but I feel unaccomplished. I want to lead. I want significant, notable change. I can't say the word "change" without my mind conjuring up the image of our next president. I fear that our nation yet again has placed too much hope in a puppet. We attack faces, the cover of a long running and poorly executed joke. Things are the same as they've always been. I want so badly to make a difference in this world, to stir up the old ways, and hope I'm not alone. Be patient, I tell myself. Your time will come.

The time is now. I run towards the light of my goal. The ground slips beneath me and sinks into a ravenous black abyss. I float. Forever isolated, perpetually longing to be down to earth. I know I need to communicate my message where the people are, but I cannot wrap myself around the clock. The ticking rhythm drones the drum beat which we work by. Schedules are mundane. Day to day life, keeping the machine well-oiled, holds no interest of mine. I am forever in awe of the mysterious and new. I cannot participate in the insanity.

We are not living, we are surviving. The suppression of consciousness is very real. Few can ignore the current state of the nation, those who do are blind by choice. Those who still believe they are free are the most cruelly enslaved. Ignore the unpleasant. Plastic wool pulled over their eyes.

My anxiety and resentment always boil down to the same conclusion: I can only lead by example. I cannot suddenly rise up and show the way to peace and prosperity. If it were that simple it would be done and over. The biological purpose of every human on this earth is to reproduce, eat and shit like any other creature. Life feeds on life. The ability to reason is the real gift we have been given, and with it we created a personal hell instead of reflecting the beauty of the earth. Although we may leave an ugly scar, we well destroy ourselves far before the world.

The most frustrating part of this entire ordeal is that all the problems in this world are man-made and could be resolved if those with enough money willed it. Instead they play god with innocent lives. Why not just play Sims?